A Reflection on My Current Dillema

Today was very interesting. I had a terrible fight with my girlfriend (precipitated by my irresponsibility, as usual, but digressing into something far worse), but we made it through without breaking up for the evening, which I think is a step in the right direction. (She'll read this at some point, so I love you, babe.) After that, I had a fantastic conversation with a person whom I grossly underestimated.

This friend has been going through a terrible, terrible breakup, two years long, I believe. Earlier today her...boy...finally did the best thing ever: he smashed her poor heart. Horrible though it may seem, the trauma of the experience has finally set her on the path to getting over him (which she needed, because she could do a lot better).

Another friend of mine has been in the messiest relationship-ish thing that I've ever witnessed in my life. She and her boyfriend are trying to reconcile their very differing views on their wants and needs in a partnership.

Both of these girls are incredible, smart, funny, engaging, and pretty. They could have their pick of the litter, really, but for reasons inexplicable to all involved, they let complete chumps break their hearts. It made me think of my own girlfriend, and why it is that we stay together.

Tonight, my friend (the first one) really put it in perspective. She said that the good things outweigh the bad, so it's worth it at the end of the day. She also assuaged my fear that changing each other was erroneous. She said to me, "The difference is that you're willing to change. You aren't forcing changes onto each other. You're compromising, not 'changing each other.'" I nearly kissed her. I have always been quite proud (perhaps too proud) of my knack for succinctness, but I could never defend my position with such lucidity before. Perhaps it just takes that little bit of distance for perspective.

As I was staring at the ceiling, I realized that love is a bitch. Literally. That's why Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, was so feared. The power that love holds over us is tremendous and terrible. When we think we have it in our hands, when we think we have mastered it, it slips away. It is only by humbling ourselves to the forces that govern love that we can attain anything worth having. My girlfriend and I are deeply in love, but we are just now realizing how difficult and frustrating a partnership can be. We argue, sometimes fight, but at the end of the day, I love her more than anything, and I think that she loves me too.

We toy with the idea of breaking up, because it seems like it would be easier sometimes. But again, the ancient Greeks warn us of the dangers of denying Aphrodite. When young Hippolytus swears off love, an enraged Aphrodite causes his step-mother Phaedra to fall in love with him. When Hippolytus turns Phaedra down, she accuses him of raping her, a crime for which Hippolytus pays with his life. All because he declared himself above the power of love.

Even though I sometimes feel like I can't even talk to my girlfriend anymore, I know that I don't want to be without her. I know that denying my feelings for her would be easier in a way, but the price that I would pay for spitting on love would be far greater than I can imagine. I don't necessarily believe in true love, but I believe that there is one person out there that matches you better than anyone else. I also believe that I have found that person, even though I'm only seventeen--but only for one more day.

And so, to my two friends, I wish one of you luck in finding the man of your dreams, because he's out there, waiting. And to the other, I hope that the man of your dreams wakes up and realizes that he is ruining the best thing he could ever hope to have. Even though you worry that you are messing things up, hon, he is the one that should be worried. You are amazing, and he's taking you for granted, just like you think you do to him.

And to the most important girl of all, I love you more than life. You are the reason the sun rises and sets every day, and without you, there would be nothing but night. I want to be with you forever. I want to grow old together. I want to hold our children, and their children, and (if God wills us lives so long) their children. But most of all, I want to hold you. Every day, for the rest of my life. No matter how long it takes to achieve that goal. I found a wonderful quote that summarizes our position: "I'd like to run away from you, but if you didn't come and find me...I would die."