How I Live Now

This last week has been a nightmare. A horrible, horrible nightmare from which I don't think I can wake. On Monday, one of my dearest friends ingested a bottle of Tylenol in an attempt to end her life. My girlfriend and I had a titanic fight on Wednesday. And then, on Friday, my family was blown apart.

I can't really go into specifics, but I left Greek at 9:50 AM and listened to a message from my little sister that nearly made me lose consciousness and/or vomit. I called my mother to notify her of the situation, called my girlfriend for a ride, and practically flew down to Roseburg. I went to be there for my mother, because she was alone. My dad was with my little brother on a ski trip, and she couldn't call them and tell them what had happened. It was too much. So I was there with her as one of her worst fears came into being. I was there with her as a monstrous truth tore asunder what was once a tight-knit family. I was there with her as she came to terms with (in her eyes) the reality that she failed to protect her children.

I can't blame her for it, nor did I try. No one saw this coming. My mother and I sat reeling as we talked with social workers and the police. I did what I could for her. It wasn't much to me, but it meant the world to her.

Now, I'm not particularly religious, but I do believe in God, and I'd like to think that everything happens for a reason. But now I don't know. Every waking moment is like a scream, a shout to the heavens, a prayer for some respite. Everything would be better if only I could know why this happened. I just want to know what I am to be learning from all of these hardships: the fire, the relationship (at times), the sad, lacking realities of the real world. And though my cry for reason resounds in every second of every day, the reply is a whisper, perhaps from a higher power or a voice in my head, stirred into speech to fill the silence: "Hier ist kein Warum." Here is no why.

Thus, the new title, and the new layout. Bubbles are too happy. Too "why". And there is none.